"Main Posts" after Saint or Feast of the Day

Please be sure to scroll down past the Saint or Feast of the day.

After the Saint or Feast of the day I post my "Main Posts". These may be anything including original articles, book reviews, adding new blogs to my web page and just about anything new I may wish the reader to read.

Please note I do not always have "Main Posts" posted.

I tend to leave "Main Posts" up for several days.

Sophocles

Inspired Bicycles - Danny MacAskill April 2009

This was sent to me via e-mail. I just loved it so much that it had to get on here. With a cool tune to boot.

Art in Sand

Thanks to Deb. I found this very beautiful. May there be more beauty.

ORTHODOX NEWS BELOW (and "MAIN POSTS")

Please be sure to scroll down past the Saint or Feast of the day.

After the Saint or Feast of the day I post my "Main Posts". These may be anything including original articles, book reviews, adding new blogs to my web page and just about anything new I may wish the reader to read.

Please note I do not always have "Main Posts" posted. Scrolling further down past my "Main Posts" the reader will find the latest Orthodox News from around the world.

I tend to leave "Main Posts" up for several days but below them will the current news(if any) to be read, so please do.

Sophocles

Anniversary (of sorts)

On August 2, 2007 I officially began posting daily the "Saint or Feast of the Day". So today, August 2, 2008 I would like make quick mention of how this practice came about.

I began this blog on March 7, 2007 as prior to this date I first became introduced to Orthodox blogs. I first began following Owen White's blog, The Ochlophobist , greatly enjoying his writing style and the way he formulates his ideas. Owen also is a very subtle original thinker.

I greatly enjoyed reading many other Orthodox sites some of which I do not follow anymore. I even began posting a comment or two now and then on different sites.

I was always interested on how the non-Orthodox viewed the Orthodox so I eventually became interested in the dialogue that took place between the Orthodox and Roman Catholics. Especially I would like to make mention of Mike Liccione's blog, Sacramentum Vitae along the lines of a person who staunchly and ably (and graciously)defends his beliefs. His defence of the Roman Catholic Church and challenge of the Orthodox Catholic Church has spurred much thinking on my own part.

Of course through Mike's blog, I came into contact with Perry Robinson and Photios Jones' blog, Energetic Procession in which I found very profound food for thought for speaking of the Orthodox Catholic Faith which raised my own awareness of how the Faith can be thought about at very high levels; that when assimilated the everyday "simple" Faith I had has taken on new meaning as a result.

And how can I forget our beloved Father Stephen Freeman' s blog, Glory to God? I cannot. Father Freeman genuinely loves the Church and through his pastoral writing his love for "introducing" the Orthodox faith to first himself, and through this to others, shows.

I cannot also fail to mention Andrea Elizabeth's two blogs, Andrea Elizabeth's Blog and her Andrea Elizabeth's Wordpress Blog. Andrea spends so much time and hardwork in her writing, especially on her Wordpress Blog where as she states it is her "Patristics and Philosophy based blog". Andrea is (relatively) new to Orthodoxy and in seeking to understand she grapples with very profound subject matter and is always a welcome voice on whatever site she comments on. I count her as a good online friend. And as well she is tied into this Anniversary.

As I mentioned, I first began blogging on March 7, 2007. My intent then was to post original stuff whether poetry or just random essays. I did not post much then. When I did, Andrea often commented.

About this time I ran into an unforeseen impasse with myself, questioning what right I had to speak about anything and the backdrop for this was the Lord's warning that we would be judged for every idle word(Matthew 12:36). At a loss but still wishing to post as I enjoyed blogging, I came across a little book, Christ is in Our Midst, which because of it's format was easy for me to comment on.

About this time I began daily posting the "Saint or Feast of the Day". I read these each day and this has been a good disipline for me and I have learned about these Saints and about our Faith. It satisfied my like of blogging and also my fear of speaking idly as I "hid behind them" during my impasse.

And of course I could make mention of every link on my sidebar and if I did not mention you specifically, please excuse my not doing so but know I appreciate each person and what they say on their sites.

So starting today at the bottom of the "Saint or Feast of the Day" I will also provide a link to the post from last year.

Thank all of you who have been reading this blog.

Sophocles

Videos from Hell

My good friend David just sent me the link to the following story via e-mail and I was much moved reading it and decided to post it here that others may benefit from it.

The original post can be found on Death to the World, specifically here.

Here is the story:

Several years ago, after attending an evening church service, my wife
and I stopped by a local Blockbuster Video outlet to pick up a movie for that
evening. I was a Deacon at the time and was wearing my cassock (the long black
robe of Orthodox clergy). After making a choice of a movie my wife asked me to
pay for it while she looked around.

I waited in line, not so patiently, with several customers ahead of
me. Unexpectedly a young man, dressed all in black, approached me and looking me
up and down said, "Dude, where did you get that?!" I was taken aback and had
almost fallen asleep waiting my turn at the counter. It took a moment for me to
realize what he was asking. I was also wearing a long, black trench coat over my
cassock so I wasn't completely sure what he had referred to. I finally answered
him, "Uh...I got it at a monastery," smiling and not expecting him to
understand. "Where can I get one?", he asked, as if he didn't hear the part
about the monastery.

The next thing I remember we were having a discussion about spiritual
things. I had asked him why he was so interested in my black robe and he began
to share about his "spirituality." "I worship the devil," he said, almost
non-chalantly. He went on to explain a few more details about his spiritual
practices and the group he was affiliated with. His dark hair was greasy, his
face pale, his eyes tired and full of resignation. He was young...15, 14, maybe
13 years old!

I expressed both surprise and concern for him, but it was clear
that in his mind he was stuck where he was, there would be no change of
direction and no hopeful expectation of something better. He was not happy. It
was his feeling of emptiness that both led him to this "god" and kept him
worshipping at his altar. He understood that his "faith" was not one that led to
contentment. But it was something, something besides emptiness. The brotherhood,
the acceptance of the group, the common bond through the satanic rites made the
endless soulless, numbness worth it.

"You know, if you continue this you will be taken down. This is a path
to destruction...it will kill you!", I pleaded. "I know," he said stoicly and
calmly, "but...." If there was more said it became inaudible to me, and perhaps
to him as well.

I had tried not to show my horror, my shock, and my sadness. I
tried not to make a scene amongst a busy store. How could I do so when the
unspoken social expectation is not to bring "religion" into the public, secular
sphere. We are not to become passionate about these things. We are to buy our
videos, our gadgets, our toys, and go home quietly to numb ourselves with
sitcoms so that the nagging of our soul and our conscience's are drowned in the
sea of meaninglessness. It's not just the separation of church and state, it's
the separation of truth from life. It is our slow march to spiritual
death.

I left Blockbuster with my wife stunned and contemplative, unable to
feel the full impact of what had just happened, and unable to come to terms with
the fact that I would never have another opportunity to influence this
teenager's life. That was my chance.

How easily I could have come to such a state of despair when I was
a teen. Without the beauty and truth of Orthodoxy from which Jesus Christ shines
forth in ineffable brightness and joy, I could have been that young man. I was
blessed. I grew up in it, even if I did not initially see it. Others, though,
have found it too. In each case it took a relentless willingness to search for
Truth.

That teenager in the video store had never seen the glory of the
Orthodox Church, the majesty and grace of Her life. Perhaps he had seen the
shallow, ordinary "Christianity" which so permeates our culture, the one that
pretends "I'm okay, you're okay" with some religious stuff mixed in. But
Orthodoxy is a challenge. It calls me to repentance, a joyful but sometimes
painful re-orientation. It is not spiritual "water skiing" but deep sea diving.
It is the process whereby the butterfly emerges from the dark and secretive
cocoon of sin into sunlight and freedom.

My black robe is not a symbol of spiritual darkness and
hopelessness. It is my declaration that I am dead to this world, and alive to
Christ! And Christ is Life.

+Father Michael Shanbour

A story about Saint Vlassios

A little story on this particular Saint.

I spoke with my Grandmother, or Yia Yia as the Greeks call grandmothers, who lives in Montreal(my home town) today. I call her every Sunday. She often reminds me of the major Feasts of the Church, and today she told me it was the day we commemorate Saint Haralambos and that Monday is the Day of Saint Vlassios.

She is a native of Greece, specifically in the Peloponeese in Corinth but even moreso her village is Panariti, set in the mountains in this beautiful place.

Somewhere not far from her village is a monastery founded in the following manner. I can not give exact details as to the date, where exactly in Corinth this happened but I do know some of the story as she told me today in our phone conversation.

In some deep gorge an icon of Saint Vlassios was discovered and the desire of the finders of this icon was to found a monastery named after the Saint.

They set off to find the appropriate locale for the monastery traveling with the icon. They discovered the icon missing and when searching for it they found it where it was before, in the seemingly remote and relatively inaccessible spot it was found originally.

They once again took it with them and it disappeared again, only to be discovered once again in the exact spot it had been discovered in the first time.

They began to understand that the Saint desired the monastery to be built on this spot rather than elsewhere so today a monastery does indeed exist, dedicated to the Saint on this very spot.

I do apologize, I do not recall all the details but I can always ask Yia Yia.

Life in general, Saint Anthony's in particular

It has been a long time since I posted anything on this blog other than the Saint or Feast of the day so I would like to take a little time to to so now.

Without getting into any great detail, I needed to pull back from many things, including blogging and this for many reasons. Among the reasons is that I, by nature and by habit, am one who feels uncomfortable unless I am doing something, anything. I am physically constructed in such a way that I have for a long time been able to push myself to a degree that others, when they saw the fatigue in me, would admonish me often to stop and slow down. I, hard headed as I am, have rarely heeded advice until I needed to.(This is changing by the grace of God). As a result of pushing past my limits and sustaining this push in this zone, I honestly knew myself to be at a place of needing immediate change and more importantly, coupled with this needing of change was also the willingness to undergo the change, taking concrete steps to effect the change.

Especially in the last seven and one half years of my life, I have been on a non-stop course of great activity and effort. This segment of my life integrates the whole of my person as the whole person breaks off into parts the whole of his life, meaning that my spiritual life, my vocation, my romantic longings, my dreams and aspirations have been melded over time into one, my brokenness being healed in Him, by Him and through Him.

Again, though, I do not wish to bore the reader with details which nonetheless are discreet and so I will briefly speak of my time from about the time of the Nativity Fast at which time I broke away from blogging and other activities.

As I posted about that time, I visited Saint Anthony's Greek Orthodox Monastery with a group, including myself, of seven. Three of us are Orthodox Catholic Christians and four of us are not.

I had been asked by Byzantine Dixie to share my experience at St. Anthony's Greek Orthodox Monastery in Florence, Arizona.

I must first express my deep love for this place, its Geronta(Spiritual Father) Ephraim, its Abbott Paisius, its monks and its pilgrims which even today, several weeks after returning to everyday life, is imprinted in me and leaves a beautiful memory.I wish every Orthodox Christian (and non-Orthodox) could visit this monastery and "get it".

The monastery has miraculous origins which I encourage the reader to read but which I will not recount here as this recounting falls outside the scope of this post. The monastery was founded by Geronta Ephraim, an Athonite monk who imported the ways of Mount Athos to this monastery and the other 19 he has founded in various places in the United States and Canada. The significant exception to one of Mount Athos' cardinal rules is that Saint Anthony does not prohibit women from coming as does the Republic of Mount Athos.

I first called the Monastery and told them of my plans to attend and also stated how many would be in my party, which day we would arrive and which day we would leave. Which leads into a recommendation: please, if you wish to maximize your experience, plan on staying several days on the grounds and staying overnight while doing so. Stay as long as possible within the Monastery rules' of the length of stays. There is no charge, incidentally, to stay as the taking care of guests is part of the monks' practice of hospitality.

This particular trip was my second time here and the reason I mention this is that for me, the layout was a bit confusing the first time here but it got better this trip. They hand out maps at the bookstore. The bookstore is the place where guests are received. To quickly mention about the dress code. Men are to wear long sleeved shirts and pants, not shorts. Women are prohibited on the grounds unless in a skirt(not mini) and with a scarf head covering. This all makes more sense if one remembers the purpose of the monastery for those that live there and those attending to be renewed spiritually in a holy atmosphere.

The Divine Liturgy takes place at 2:30 in the a.m., with the monks making the rounds to the dorms(which houses men in one set and women in a separate living area) beforehand to wake up everyone to be present. What an experience, being in the Church at this time in the morning. Very dark in there but you can make out the layout within as the red lampadas hanging around the Church illumine the Sacred Space just enough. Women are on the left side, men on the right. Non-Orthodox are not permitted in here during the service unless, I am led to believe, one is a catacumen. If a non-Orthodox wishes to be in the Church during the Liturgy, you must remain in the narthex(the outer part in the Church). Even this lends itself to a very pungent spiritual atmosphere.

Its totally ok not to know whats going on, not only here, but during the whole stay. More will be revealed as you just be here. Nothing more is required. After the Liturgy, we head back to the Trapeza(the mess hall) where the monks have prepared coffee, sweets and other foods for anyone who wishes to partake. The foods at this time as well as all the foods depend on the time in the Liturgical Calendar we happen to be in whether there will be dairy products present(cheese, etc.) or not.

After breakfast is another "quiet time" for the monks. The monks do not eat breakfast but return to their cells for prayer. This quiet time remains until about 8 a.m. The monks then begin their work day.

The grounds are quite extensive and still being developed. All this requires much care from the monks who can be seen working(while reciting the Jesus Prayer). The bookstore also opens at this time.

At about 10 a.m. all the churches are opened and pilgrims are free to walk inside and spend all the time they wish there. I cannot remember, but I believe there are about 12 Churches on the grounds, each dedicated to different Saints and built in different styles. They are all absolutely beautiful.

Lunch is served at 12:30 p.m. The pilgrims eat with the monks. Once again, non-Orthodox are not permitted to eat during this time. The reason for this is that, I believe, this is technically a Service during which prayers are said.

Women and men also are seated separately. The food, as can be expected, is wonderful and fresh. On non fast days, olive oil is set on the tables and on fast days it is absent. Spiritual reading is read by one of the monks while the pilgrims eat in silence. Oh, I almost forgot. Everything is in Greek. All the services, and even this reading will be in Greek. Many of the monks(if not most) are not Greek but nonetheless they conduct all the services in Greek.

During the meal you will notice that the water cups are turned upside down and we are not to drink until after a bell is rung at which time the cups are turned over and we pour water into our cups.

Following this is free time. I would encourage you to help the monks. My own personal help was rendered after the meals as I would help clean the hall and the tables under the supervision of the monks. There are many things one can do to help, ranging from helping as I do to cleaning in the dorms or even at the winery. Yes, the monastery has a wonderful winery as well as other produce crops, especially olive groves.

The next service is Vespers at I think? 4:30 p.m. This is about a 45minute service. I forgot to mention the Liturgy is about 3 hours long.

After this service, we have our evening communal meal. Also, I forgot to mention that the non-Orthodox are not forgotten for food but are well fed and graciously by the monks who attend to their needs. No one is made to feel unwelcome, Orthodox and non-Orthodox alike. Following this meal is the service of Matins.


Quiet time begins again at 7:30 p.m. until the Divine Liturgy the next morning at about 3:00 a.m. Technically, according to the Church, the day begins at sundown so this Matins service is the first service of the day.

Also very important to mention is that the dorms are equipped with well stocked kitchens which are maintained by the monks. Coffee(Greek and American), fresh made pies, juices, bread, cheese and the like are all here. The rooms and the bathrooms are very clean. I remember that when I help clean in the kitchen, I have been asked to make sure to wash my hands beforehand.

I would like to conclude this with the hope that you would visit this place, or others like it and keep yourself open to why it is the way it is and to, if possible, shut off any criticisms. I hope to meet you here as I plan to make regular visits here throughout the year.

The Lord bless us.

Sophocles

Christ is in our Midst XXXIX(letter 59)

" 59

20 January 1952

They say that your husband drinks. What should you do? Do not grieve, and do not condemn him. Everyone has his weaknesses and inadequacies, you know. He too is not without weaknesses and not without inadequacies. So learn from each other, bear each other's burdens and thus fulfil the law of Christ. The Lord give you wisdom.

How fast the time flies! The Nativity of Christ, the Epiphany and the New Year were awaited and all of that has gone. Now Easter is on its way. Of course, first we must look to the Great Fast, as the way of preparation, in order to celebrate the Bright Feast of Christ more perfectly.

Here is something I have noticed: as old age advances, time flies faster, it feels as if everything was already at an end. The time of passing into eternity is approaching, and somehow even all interests have gone. But open the minds of young people and you will see how fantasy plays in them: they are happy, they will get good suitors, they will be rich, their family life will go well, and a great deal more along this line. These pictures will pass through their heads, and again they will be alone.

Life in our monastery still glimmers gently, but our brotherhood ha,s grown old. It is just like an almshouse, each one older than the next. If I live to February, I will be seventy-nine - a respectable age, and I am already ripe for passing on into eternity. I thank God that I have reached such an age and that it was granted to me, a sinner, to spend my whole life in a monastery. I have not known the vanity of the world, filled with cunning, vain-glory, hypocrisy, falsehood and arrogance. Can anybody in the midst of these vices ever feel peace and tenderness in his soul? I suspect not.

What do you and your husband feel when you come home after the theatre and masquerades? Of course you get some kind of impression there, and you will be looking forward to when you can go to the same places again and again, if only sickness does not interfere. That is the way the worldly life of vanities goes. But when a person is lying on his deathbed or in sickness - and that is when he is confronted with unexpected experiences such that all his past life passes before him with the events which he lived - then only will he realize that this world is a fraud.

I ask God's blessing on all your family. "

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I too have noticed the seeming increase in the speed of life.

When I was a boy each day was so enchanted and filled with eternity. The hue of the summer green still imprints itself on the periphery of my mind enmeshed with that beautiful blue of the sky.

These days live on in me. They will never die. The faces of my Mother and Father, my brothers Costa and John, as they were back then, sunlit always- and smiling. The same way our holy icons have that unearthly gold in them, so do all those people from then, my dear long ago friends and family.

Where are you all now? Where have you all gone? Why are we not together now like we were then? So young. so alive. Why did you all leave me? Why did you go Yia Yia Andronike? And where was the hurry for you,Pappou Sophocle, to go when you did? Why the hasty exit Pappou Kosta?

And why, dear Mom and Dad, Costa and John, did you leave there?

Old Mill School on Addison Road, where have you gone? All your memories, they live, they live.

David Craig, Tracy Deidrichs, and all my other friends, I love you all.

But I advance towards my expiration. Things that happen to me now no longer seem so new, so eternal. I have grown used to the taste of ice cream. I no longer drink soda only on Sundays as you, Mom and Dad, had us as a family do then. My perception of all things also decays and becomes corrupt along with this body of mine.

Santa, why? I miss you.

Will I live forever, dear Lord? Will I see them all again? Brownie, my beautiful dog? I have some amends to make with you, Brownie.

Read the previous post in this series:

Books I've Read(or am reading)-Two

Along with the little book, Christ is in our Midst, I am also listening to another book on cassette tape which has brought me to tears on more than one occasion and I cannot more highly recommend it to any and all, Orthodox and non-Orthodox: Father Arseny 1893-1973 Priest, Prisoner, Spiritual Father. You will not be disappointed.

I also have the actual book which I will read as I progress in "my stash" of books. It's quite far down the line, so it will be a long time before I actully read it.

Read the previous post in this series:

Books I've Read(or am reading)

I'm nearing my long awaited stash of books I've so pined to read.

Since returning to the Church several years ago, I have been going through what I can best describe as a hunger for all things Orthodox. I had been malnourished(starved is more accurate) all those years yet never knew it, for this most wonderful Faith.

To a varying degree, I have lived a spiritual life for as long as I can remember. Even at my worst times prayer has been a companion. Though a strained relationship existed between us, the "arrows" to God have been continuously shot, intermittently and sporadically, quite often in desperation and despair, rarely in gratitude, but nevertheless the volleys left my person.

When I returned to the Church I had been baptized into, it was with wonderment and eyes wide open. A sort of humility stole over me that was caused not of myself, but the type of humility one discovers when that which I knew I wanted no part of (the Church) suddenly shows itself something so other than what I had conceived it to be. This has caused a more sincere questioning of my ability to" really know what's going on" as I was so sure at one time that my Evangelical beliefs were the "End All, Be All" and Orthodoxy was dismissed easily and surely. Who would have known! Surely the Lord is merciful and gracious!

But to return. Before Orthodoxy, I had many books I had that had not been read. After Orthodoxy, as I visited monasteries and bookstores, I picked up many books that I put aside, to be read after the books I had collected before Orthodoxy. These were good books(most of them anyway) but they were not Orthodox books.

The book I just completed was The Collected Works of C.S. Lewis which includes The Pilgrim's Regress, Christian Reflections, and God in the Dock. A great read for me as it sharpened my reasoning ability.

Before I actually enter into the stash, I have a short little book to read, Plato's "The Trial and Death of Socrates" and then a real little article I printed online, "Constantinople-City of the World's Desire 1453-1924".

But, after my last confession(last week) , my father/confessor gave me this little book to read as he thought it would be of benefit to me and it is now this book which holds my attention.

After reading C.S. Lewis, opening the pages of this little book felt like an assault on my intellect, it is just too simple of a read. But there lies its beauty and treasure as it seems in all things necessary for salvation, simplicity is salvation's essence-"Repent."

I will post excerpts or passages from this little treasure in future posts.

On with the stash!

a.. sinner prays(with pictures of "the arena")

I've been long absent from posting anything on my blog site so I think I'm about due.

I have been active on others' sites from time to time, but it's not the same as doing this. Truth be told, it feels kind of nice.

Of late, my focus has been to pray through my own personal rule. It sounds so easy yet in this I am confronted with the real enemy, me.

I posted these pictures to display my own little personal "arena". Here is where I come face to face with me. Here is where I love to be and hate to be. Never mind my old childish immature notions of how "I love to spend time with the Lord." Hogwash. Moments brief enjoyed to be sure, but there is so much going on that I'm missing out there. The world is rushing by and I'm here praying and missing it all.

There is rampant misinformation on the internet that needs just my touch and input to set right and I'm here doing this..., this..., this..., what?

I mean I'm fine, really. When God looks at me He sees His most stalwart ally, a man that only needs a little brushing off here and there("Thanks God for the help..ok I got it from here, Ill finish the brushing off now..I said I got it!")

And on and on it goes.

Life, at least for me, seems to unfold in an evening out process that does not long leave at peace such a man. That man is seemingly forced(if not by grace than by what?) to once again run out of himself and return as a child, to be handled, intimately handled by Him. Hard for a man who dislikes intimacy. And yet He bids me once more, "Come, Sophocles".

Our Holy Faith takes such a self sufficient man and pulverizes him against the Cornerstone. The old, apart from Him, undivinized, unhealed man cannot but give off a stench that will not allow the man to stay hidden.

The Physician is merciful and kind but He will do His work. He will re-create me in Him, I, dying and being reborn into Him one painful letting go experience at a time.

But the glory that is to be revealed in us as we truly die to this world, this life. Ah, but that.

It's taste penetrates into me from His World but I as a worthless sieve soon lose Him, His fragrance. But He continues to let me participate in His Uncreated Energies and I the shadow become more of a man, more truly who He wants me to be, more truly me, and I may now hope to hold that taste and fragrance a bit more.

A sinner such as I prays that I may not remain in the wisp that this world portrays as being permanent.

May I obtain mercy that always may I pray.

Why Write?

I've been real quiet on my posting of late. My friend Joel stated on his blog that he ran into this problem at one point of his writing and I think I'm somewhat at the same spot. In a sense, I'm still finding my voice. I have enjoyed, however, visiting others' blogs and checking in there and I continue to do so.

One of my fears is writing irrelevant nonsense just to hear myself talk. My joy is to express the Orthodox Faith through the prism of my own unique person in an authentic manner and not just be a parrot, speaking but not experiencing the truth I'm writing. If the Orthodox Faith is the True Faith, it must be able to communicate Itself via anything and everything as all things that are true anywhere at anytime find their fulfillment in Christ, their ultimate meaning and their "is-ness", what they are in their essence, revealed in Him who is the Creator of essence itself as the Apostle tells us in Colossians 1:15-20.

And so The Faith enters "the laboratory" to be worked out in my person and if I'm fortunate to be given words to ably describe the experiments failed and successful, fine. If not, fine.

But also I must heed the Master's words that every idle word will be be given account for. This places a heavier challenge on me because I know myself; I can be and am very glib with spewing words and information out to the four winds. Adding to the challenge is knowing of the Saints who would withdraw into seclusion to practice ascetic discipline and return after much struggle to speak with us and not before, measuring each word to convey their experience and not their theories.

Me? It's difficult to keep my mouth shut for very long and to silence my thoughts is virtually impossible. And still I give advice. Just ask me.

However, in regards to writing, there is much in me that I pray I may be able to bring out and I think the only way to do it will be to keep writing; hitting and missing. I find joy in finding words to express concepts to make sense of things that were merely inklings buried in the innermost me but come to think of it, these inklings cannot be truly "mere" because of the depth of the human person created in the image of God. They are "mere" to me because of my inability to give them life through laziness on my part in regards to prayer and fasting and the other disciplines to crystallize the thoughts to be put in a form to be expressed cogently and purposely.


Well, perhaps this writing is a step in the right direction.

Reflections: Where I Was/Where I am

Well, here I am. Yup. I am here. Yes. Am here, I. And to dispel all doubt, here am I.

Pascha is a treasured memory now as far as the actual events experienced by me that Sunday two days prior from this writing. The emotions, the sun as it felt on my face and the air it warmed, the smiles that entered my soul leading me towards becoming truly human, the images that carried themselves onto my eyes, voices that resonated in the moment they were spoken- never to be heard again as they were at the very particular pinpoints of time they were uttered under their own diverse reasons for utterance to begin with, the sublime entering in and out of the moment as my currently(now and then) developed powers to apprehend and interface with "reality" allow; these things, dear reader, are gone. I cannot even begin to mention what I have excluded from this list as that which is seen and known cannot even begin to compare with what is not seen and unknown.

No more are they actively the present except that the substance of what was streams into the present "right now"("right now" spoken a moment ago having become a "memory" also, added to the substance of what was, imperfectly understood and experienced) defining me and forming me and speaking me now into your being as I write dear reader.)

Why do I mention this seemingly insignificant elucidation of the experiential apprehension of the interfacing of me, my person, with What Is(Who is is much more accurate as"reality" is not a what but a Who) except to mention to you, dear reader that here was my existence; not in the enjoyment of the event of each moment blooming its fruit into my person.

No, this would entail that I was able to lead the mind into the heart to simultaneously know the event as originating from within the express allowance of the LORD and to be known by Him as I experienced the events as originating ever presently from His allowance and by this "knowing" to love Him and therefore to participate in that which God is, love, and in this participation to become god lifted out of the confines of my falleness into the vast ineffable depth of Him Who Is Three Yet One.

I was robbed of the enjoyment of enjoying through the incessant need to know how I knew what I knew and why I knew and how to insure that I could always continue to know. Madness. Fragmentation of the human person into compartments and categories. Never to find peace here as I am left unwhole. To know always in opposition to to be or simply be-ing; experiencing the event as proceeding forth from God and in God and experiencing at the same time without the thought that I am experiencing the event, my self also being proceeded from God to experience the event and here I know and am known simultaneously.

But praise be to God that I am in blessed company as the Apostle writes that now we see darkly as through a glass but the time approaches quickly that I should know as I am known.

To always have this duel was hell for me. And I always had this duel, this fragmentation of myself into components and parts.

Pausing to reflect on this living hell, I reflect and hope on Him whose business it is to make whole my broken humanity in Him who for my sake became broken. I am once again reminded that those who are well have no need of a physician, but those that are sick. I pray that He would allow me to truly know my sickness that I may more completely beg him to heal me. For in my healing He is glorified as He exudes Himself through me and in me into the time/space continuum of my person interfacing and partaking of His Person and others are healed by His love, for he who is forgiven much, loves much.

I used to think, "I see". Now, more truly do I begin to know that I see "men as trees walking". Shadows. This existence is shot through with shadows. And I, without Christ, am no more than a shadow, lacking substance of being that he freely allows me to participate in, in Him only. I cannot not be a shadow if I continue to choose to try to acquire being from myself. Freely I may partake. But not I in my self sufficient mode but always as a beggar.

May the Lord have mercy on me and open my eyes that I may know I truly am a beggar.

The Struggle Today

Has anyone ever lived a hedonistic, sinful life where Self was on the throne and then made the about face, repenting, turning towards Life? Has anyone who has been repenting ever regret the new life, with its sometimes austerity, deprivations and pine for the old life, relishing its lusts, its memories, its wantonness? Has anyone been at those moments, having decided to believe on Him, placing faith in Him, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen, having tasted of the Lord, that He is good, the Lover of mankind, and still desire Egypt? Has anyone desired Egypt, knowing what awaits those who have an evil heart of unbelief who depart from the living God, that if sin is willfully committed after having received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sin remains?
Such a day I had.
Having undertaken to be counted among His disciples, by necessity much of my old life with all of its desires, aspirations, and thoughts has to be crucified that I may decrease and He increase. I must continually be made weak that He may be strong in me. There is just one problem: I don't like this. I like my former self. Had I not begun to realize the futility of this life, I would still be living it. I did not realize it though through some inherent, internal capacity to do so, but the weight of circumstances pressed upon me, bringing me to my knees, where there was no other choice.
In the midst of this new life, hidden pockets of joy are unveiled by our Lord, buttressing my flagging spirit. Because being being transformed the metamorphosis is not yet complete, the new man is not always comfortable to wear, the old man is familiar, he's snug, he fits me just right, for after all, I made him.
This new man has been created in Christ, according to His will. He cannot be put on by the force of our Lord, for He never imposes Himself on me. I must put Him on. I must be willing to die. It cannot be done for me. Here is freedom. Here is choice. Can't anyone else do this for me? Someone? I don't want freedom. I don't want choice.
The way ahead is dark, because I hold no light. I am told He is the Light. Traveling through this world of shadows, I am told He is the Way. Him, not some static, exterior to myself system that will encourage my Ego, "There, there, every thing's going to be all right, you're doing just fine." To tell the truth, I'm not doing just fine, I'm not so swell after all. I cannot see Him, I can only"see" Him, not directly, but with the eyes of my soul, but I don't know how to use these eyes that well yet, they are untrained and they are restrained in favor of the old man living his life, refusing to come to the Cross to be crucified.
So on this day of Great and Holy Lent, it's third Tuesday in 2007, a day of fasting from foods for the body and lusts for the senses and the mind, I write these things, just to air out these thoughts, hoping once again upon Him, for hope in me is dwindling.