Tuesday, April 15, 2008

A Little Change-Lenten Reflections: Some Thoughts, part I "The Madness"

I think I will take some time away from posting Orthodox News. I will post anything of great interest that may come my way, but by and large I will discontinue this.

This Lent I went deeper than I ever have into fasting and the Fast's results are showing up to the point where others are noticing things that I thought were not there but they, my friends, are urging me to let up some.

I have been blessed to have a friend come live with me for a time and the relationship has been beneficial to us both. He is new to the Church and I have alot of comfortablility disclosing myself to him and he had witnessed tonight, in my home, the manifestation of much of the true ME, the ME of the Ego, being the ego and not observing the ego as something distinct to be discussed in a scholarly way, safe and detached from it, but as it, when the thinking about it blend and become one with it.

I can only begin to venture that the Fast, in performing its strictly biological function, breaking the body away from nutrients that are used to sustain it, is now bringing the body into an area where the stores of its nutrients have been depleted and a sort of dementia is being experienced.
Tonight I was overtaken with delusion but with the blessing of voicing it and exposing it in the presence of my friend who helped keep me from entering into madness proper.

To be fair, we talked a good honest talk about a good honest many things and without this talk, I may not have been brought to this place of madness. But once having come to its edge, I felt safe to enter into the madness to explore it in a way I have never allowed myself to before. I pray and fight myself out of such states long before they have approached the place of enveloping the entire ME.

Now, I would like to add that I suspect this is the true state, in some sense, of every one of us.

If the reader has never experienced the Canon of Saint Andrew of Crete, in his words placing himself as even below the worst of sinners and every vile act that a man may do, this little piece I have written will not make sense. More importantly, its not just hearing the words of the Canon, but believing yourself to be that man, only then will this little essay into the science of the spirit begin to make any sense.

I will explore a bit in my next piece, The Comfort of Food.


Anonymous said...

"I think I will take some time away from posting Orthodox News. I will post anything of great interest that may come my way, but by and large I will discontinue this."

I was very sorry to read this - your blog is a highlight of my evening because it is such a fruitful source of Orthodox news.

Byzantine, TX said...

I agree with anonymous. I read your news daily and try and insure that I don't unduly duplicate your posting efforts. It is also undoubtedly a reason why you were submitted for an award from the Eastern Christian Blog Awards by a few people. Best of luck in the voting phase!


Anonymous said...

I understand, as your friend, why you are doing this, and am proud of you. You are a wonderful man but you need to take time to yourself. I know some of the people that read your blog will miss your posts but I think it will be better for you to do what you need to do. As I told you, I am your friend - and all that encompasses us. As you told them, it's just a little time away.

God Bless You!

Sophocles said...

Anonymous and Josephus,

Thank you both so much for your kind sentiments. I enjoy posting these things but thought that at least until the completing of the Great Fast I should let up some. These were my thoughts last night but I was in the throes of real weird psychological stuff brought on by the Fast which may or may not have had demonic influence.

Again, as I stated in the rest of the post, I entered into Madness and Delusion but was fortunate to have a brother in the Faith staying with me to help gain perspective and to see my pride and arrogance and fear.

Fear in the sense of a confrontation with oneself on a level which I don't usually allow myself much time to explore(because I am afraid and it is painful). It was a very unique and powerful experience and of an epiphany type of state of being but nonetheless, dangerous as I entered into it, Madness, without a guide nor with experience. I did learn alot though last night.

Today, with the perspective of a day removed from this experience, I made the decision to continue posting Orthodox News as I realized that its not the posting of this news that was the great time consumer, but the needless Internet surfing I find myself indulging in every time I get online.

And thank you both once again for the encouragement to continue. It helped me to hear your words.

Josephus, good luck on your efforts as well, my friend.


And you too, thank you for your grace and kindness as well as you know me very well and was one of the people in my life that has helped me to see myself so much more clearly over these last two months or so.

I am grateful for you and I am humbled by the fact that the good Lord has allowed me to play a part in your formation in Him in His Holy Church.

God bless you the rest of this Lenten Season and I look forward to June 29 when you will be received into the Church.