Well, here I am. Yup. I am here. Yes. Am here, I. And to dispel all doubt, here am I.
Pascha is a treasured memory now as far as the actual events experienced by me that Sunday two days prior from this writing. The emotions, the sun as it felt on my face and the air it warmed, the smiles that entered my soul leading me towards becoming truly human, the images that carried themselves onto my eyes, voices that resonated in the moment they were spoken- never to be heard again as they were at the very particular pinpoints of time they were uttered under their own diverse reasons for utterance to begin with, the sublime entering in and out of the moment as my currently(now and then) developed powers to apprehend and interface with "reality" allow; these things, dear reader, are gone. I cannot even begin to mention what I have excluded from this list as that which is seen and known cannot even begin to compare with what is not seen and unknown.
No more are they actively the present except that the substance of what was streams into the present "right now"("right now" spoken a moment ago having become a "memory" also, added to the substance of what was, imperfectly understood and experienced) defining me and forming me and speaking me now into your being as I write dear reader.)
Why do I mention this seemingly insignificant elucidation of the experiential apprehension of the interfacing of me, my person, with What Is(Who is is much more accurate as"reality" is not a what but a Who) except to mention to you, dear reader that here was my existence; not in the enjoyment of the event of each moment blooming its fruit into my person.
No, this would entail that I was able to lead the mind into the heart to simultaneously know the event as originating from within the express allowance of the LORD and to be known by Him as I experienced the events as originating ever presently from His allowance and by this "knowing" to love Him and therefore to participate in that which God is, love, and in this participation to become god lifted out of the confines of my falleness into the vast ineffable depth of Him Who Is Three Yet One.
I was robbed of the enjoyment of enjoying through the incessant need to know how I knew what I knew and why I knew and how to insure that I could always continue to know. Madness. Fragmentation of the human person into compartments and categories. Never to find peace here as I am left unwhole. To know always in opposition to to be or simply be-ing; experiencing the event as proceeding forth from God and in God and experiencing at the same time without the thought that I am experiencing the event, my self also being proceeded from God to experience the event and here I know and am known simultaneously.
But praise be to God that I am in blessed company as the Apostle writes that now we see darkly as through a glass but the time approaches quickly that I should know as I am known.
To always have this duel was hell for me. And I always had this duel, this fragmentation of myself into components and parts.
Pausing to reflect on this living hell, I reflect and hope on Him whose business it is to make whole my broken humanity in Him who for my sake became broken. I am once again reminded that those who are well have no need of a physician, but those that are sick. I pray that He would allow me to truly know my sickness that I may more completely beg him to heal me. For in my healing He is glorified as He exudes Himself through me and in me into the time/space continuum of my person interfacing and partaking of His Person and others are healed by His love, for he who is forgiven much, loves much.
I used to think, "I see". Now, more truly do I begin to know that I see "men as trees walking". Shadows. This existence is shot through with shadows. And I, without Christ, am no more than a shadow, lacking substance of being that he freely allows me to participate in, in Him only. I cannot not be a shadow if I continue to choose to try to acquire being from myself. Freely I may partake. But not I in my self sufficient mode but always as a beggar.
May the Lord have mercy on me and open my eyes that I may know I truly am a beggar.
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